TGIF

It's been quite a week, and I am so glad to be sitting on my couch, in my pajamas, doing absolutely nothing. We had our first appt with the RE on Tuesday. He decided to put me on lovenox and switch me from prometrium to crinone. He wants to run additional bloodwork to test for elevated NK cells and other bloodclotting disorders that were not in my initial RPL panel. I feel so relieved knowing that I am working with an office that will focus on maintaining my pregnancy. I feel like if the worst case scenario happens, as in I miscarry again, at least I know that the RE will continue to work to find out the answers to why this has happened.

I want to be positive though. I got my beta results from yesterday, 19 dpo, and they were 2,263! I have always had good betas that had good doubling times, except for the CP, so this news is taken with a grain of salt. Nevertheless, good news should be celebrated. I cannot wait to get to a point in pregnancy when I truly feel optimistic and excited. I know that time will come, and today was a small step in that direction.

The RE wants to see me back on Monday for another U/S. We did one on Thursday, the same day my betas were drawn, and saw what looked to be the beginnings of a sac. I'm a little nervous bc I feel like we should have seen the sac with the betas being over 2k, but I realize I worry about everything. all.the.time. I need to just chill out and let this ride.

I had a minor meltdown earlier in the week bc the lab that my RE uses for their bloodwork, reprosource, is out of my network, and I dont have out of network coverage. They told me that the bloodwork alone was going to cost almost $1900. With DH's new business situation, literally all of our money is tied up, and I just don't have the luxury of writing a check like that anymore without a little bit of planning. Fortunately, I put on my big girl pants and spent all morning this morning on the phone with my in network lab and my insurance and found out that they are able to do the same testing and that it will be covered as long as I use the in network lab. I think my RE isn't too thrilled with this option, but oh well. It's saving us money, and I would definitely call this bit of news a blessing! DH and I go tomorrow morning to the lab to have the draws done.

September 21, 2012

Today is Peanut's day. It is the EDD of the first baby that we lost, and it is a day that I have been dreading for a long time. I think the build up to today was worse than what so far has actually been though. It seems like another lifetime ago that I saw two lines of my very first positive pregnancy test. I don't even feel like the same person, and it's amazing how time can feel like it has sped by in an instant, but then you can still feel so far removed from something.

The day that we found out we had lost our sweet baby will be a memory that stays with me forever. I don't think I had any idea what true loss was like until this year, but rediscovering God's grace for me through this process is one thing that I dont think I would trade. I have come to truly understand what a blessing is. It is a a special, merciful, benefit that He gives to us. What stands out to me in that is the merciful part because I have realized over the last 6 1/2 months that I don't deserve to be blessed. It is because of God's mercy and love for me that I am. I think that was the hardest part of this lesson. It was realizing that I don't deserve a baby, just like I don't deserve a lot of things in my life, but being blessed with a child is a gift.

Obviously, I find music to be therapeutic. It makes me feel better and helps me cope. I can easily, VERY EASILY, start to become angry with God; so I find that by listening to worship music, it helps me to focus on what I do have and what I have been blessed with. That being said, I want to today to be a day of thankfulness and praise. I want to chose to remember how much I love this little baby that God blessed me with for 11 weeks. I may have only carried him for a little while, but I will always be his momma and totally in love with the small gift God blessed me with.

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

Jeremy Camp

Would I believe you when you would say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me
Help me to win my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith

BFP.OMG.WTF?



It would appear that we officially suck at trying to avoid pregnancy.

Let me explain. I have always been a consistent late ovulater. In the year and a half that I have charted my cycles, I have pretty much always ovulated in the 23-26 range. Therefore, I did not feel the need to be concerned about using protection when DH and I got busy on cd 15/17. This was a non-issue...until fertility friend suddenly gave me crosshairs on cd 20. Cue my WTF.OMG.SHIT meltdown. As soon as I had realized this "oops," I decided it was best to start taking the prometrium and baby aspirin that my OBGYN had prescribed for whenever we decided to start TTC again. For a few days, I thought that maybe the reason my temps were rising and my chart was so pretty was in fact due to the progesterone... but that was not the case, because on 10 dpo, I got these nice lines. Again, OMG.SHIT.I.AM.NOT.READY.TO.DEAL.WITH.THIS.AGAIN.

TTA = EPIC FAIL!

Now that I have gotten that out of my system, I am trying, TRYING, to be positive. I am making a conscious effort to TRUST God right now because I cannot fathom how or why this would happen to me unless there was a reason. I was in the car on my way to work this morning, and one of my favorite songs came on spotify. We sing it in church all.the.time. It's "Mighty to Save" and the lyrics that really hit me were:

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
He rose & conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

I guess I sort of had a moment where I realized that I can sing along with these words every week and how he can "move mountains", and I can say that I believe in God... but I am so scared to trust or believe that I will successfully carry this baby. I'm not a holy roller by any means, but it really made me focus on my faith this morning and that I can't pick and choose what I want to believe about God  or trust him with, and what I don't. I realize I am starting to ramble, but I guess the only way I think I will manage to possess any sort of sanity in the next few weeks is if I choose to trust in God's sovereignty. I have always claimed that I believed God allows things to "happen for a reason," and now this is really a testing of that belief.  If ever there was a blessing in suffering, I suppose this could be it.