BFP.OMG.WTF?



It would appear that we officially suck at trying to avoid pregnancy.

Let me explain. I have always been a consistent late ovulater. In the year and a half that I have charted my cycles, I have pretty much always ovulated in the 23-26 range. Therefore, I did not feel the need to be concerned about using protection when DH and I got busy on cd 15/17. This was a non-issue...until fertility friend suddenly gave me crosshairs on cd 20. Cue my WTF.OMG.SHIT meltdown. As soon as I had realized this "oops," I decided it was best to start taking the prometrium and baby aspirin that my OBGYN had prescribed for whenever we decided to start TTC again. For a few days, I thought that maybe the reason my temps were rising and my chart was so pretty was in fact due to the progesterone... but that was not the case, because on 10 dpo, I got these nice lines. Again, OMG.SHIT.I.AM.NOT.READY.TO.DEAL.WITH.THIS.AGAIN.

TTA = EPIC FAIL!

Now that I have gotten that out of my system, I am trying, TRYING, to be positive. I am making a conscious effort to TRUST God right now because I cannot fathom how or why this would happen to me unless there was a reason. I was in the car on my way to work this morning, and one of my favorite songs came on spotify. We sing it in church all.the.time. It's "Mighty to Save" and the lyrics that really hit me were:

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever
Author of Salvation
He rose & conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

I guess I sort of had a moment where I realized that I can sing along with these words every week and how he can "move mountains", and I can say that I believe in God... but I am so scared to trust or believe that I will successfully carry this baby. I'm not a holy roller by any means, but it really made me focus on my faith this morning and that I can't pick and choose what I want to believe about God  or trust him with, and what I don't. I realize I am starting to ramble, but I guess the only way I think I will manage to possess any sort of sanity in the next few weeks is if I choose to trust in God's sovereignty. I have always claimed that I believed God allows things to "happen for a reason," and now this is really a testing of that belief.  If ever there was a blessing in suffering, I suppose this could be it.