Purgatory

Some days are harder than others.

This weekend was pretty good though, and I think it's the days that don't seem like I am stuck doing the ordinary that I find leave me feeling the most positive. I think this is because I am able to say that I'm still living and enjoying my life, regardless of where I thought I would be at this point. For example, this weekend my husband and I took the opportunity to enjoy brunch on the beach and then laid in the sun under a cabana for a few hours. At one point, I leaned over to him and said, "you know, if things were different, I would be 35 weeks pregnant right now, and there is NO WAY, I would be sitting in this Florida, August heat and pregnant!" -regardless of which baby I was still pregnant with. Talk about a mood killer though, huh? I also wouldnt have been able to enjoy the bellinis and blood marys we had during brunch. But even though it was a nice day, my heart still got heavy as soon as I made that comment.  My heart is always heavy, but it is heaviest when my mind wanders and I start to think about what I would be doing... if things were different. It's easier for my mind to wander when I am in my regular routine. I suppose this is because I can pretty much make it through my work week on auto-pilot which lets my brain think to much about my grief, but even when we try to get out and break the monotony, I find that my mind still inevidably wanders back to my babies.

Unfortunately, today has been hard. Days at work are generally hard anyway. I have a coworker that is a week behind what I would have been if I had not miscarried our first. She stopped by this morning to introduce her new GAs for the semester and seeing her and how big she has obviously gotten hurts because it is a blarring reminder of my baby and how he isn't here. It's not my coworker's fault that I don't want to see her though. In fact, I like my coworker very much, and I even consider us friends... but since my miscarriage, and subsequent miscarriages, I have found that I have distanced myself from so many people who either have small children, are expecting, or are even trying to conceive. Anything baby related has become off limits to me, and I know that's not fair to the people who have been/want to be in my life, but it's my only way of coping right now. It's self-preservation.

I feel like I am stuck in this awful purgatory where everyone else is able to go about their lives with their babies and move forward, but I am stuck with my feet in cement and can't move. I want to be happy, and I want to experience all of the joys that they have been so blessed to experience, but I'm unable. I don't understand why I can get pregnant (relatively easily in fact, and I can even see healthy heartbeats, but when we get to the 10-11 week mark, things don't go our way.) I've heard all sorts of statistics saying that once you see a heartbeat you have anywhere from a 5-8% chance of miscarrying...I'm no math whiz but that means that the chances of having consecutive miscarriages after seeing a heartbeat each time is below 1%. It just does.not.make.sense.

Gosh, I am rambling today. I am pretty sure most of what I just wrote makes no sense... and that's what happens when your fingers start taking over for your brain. I'm going to call it a day now, and find some wine... lots of wine.