Our Sweet Boy

     So I made the decision to see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). I have gone back and forth on this decision a lot because I didn't want to feel like I was over reacting. I know that sounds lame, but my OB seemed to feel that he could run the basic RLP b/w I needed and that an RE at this stage wasn't necessary. Well, of the tests he ordered, all of them came back "normal". The only little thing was I did test positive for one copy of the MTHFR C677T mutation. From what I have found online though, this isn't considered to be a factor by most doctors unless my homocysteine levels are elevated. The only problem is that my OB didn't order a test to check that. In fact, he didn't even mention the mutation... which sort of pisses me off. I get that it is not uncommon and that it is not always a factor in RPL, but I am a little annoyed bc it's still not "normal." It seems like there are two camps of opinions... some think it's a bigger deal and a factor in RPL and some just don't.
    
     Anyway, I just don't have peace with trying again. My OB basically told me that he thinks we should try again and said that at least I know I can get pregnant ::blank stare::. He said he would perscribe progesterone when we are ready so that I can start taking it right after ovulation instead of waiting until I get a positive test this time. You know, just in case I have an LPD. I asked about cd3/7dpo bloodwork, but he didn't want to do it. I guess I just feel like I am at the end of the road with him when it comes to RPL and that if I want to continue any testing it will have to be with an RE... who probably actually knows what he's talking about. I was already on progesterone and baby aspirin this last time and still miscarried... so obviously that isn't doing the trick.

     After calling the RE and scheduling the appt, I had my OB fax over all my test results from the karyotyping and bloodwork. There on the first page in the middle were the words, "46, XY, Male." Obviously, I am not a guy so this surprised me. Of course once I read the top of the page, I saw it was my results from the chromosome testing they did on the baby. I knew these results would be in the paperwork, but I guess I was just a little surprised to see them so clearly on the first page without having to dig and read through everything.  Our sweet boy. We were going to have a little boy.

     I was so so so sure that he was going to be a she, lol. I just had this feeling while I was pregnant for those 10 weeks that it was a girl. I guess my intuition is just as screwed up as my uterus. Regardless, it seems so much more real to know that our baby was a boy. I was going to be his mom. He was my son. I have a son. I had a son. I may have only carried him for 10 weeks, but he was a part of me yet so completely different and independent and his own little person. He was all boy.  My heart hurts to know that I should have been able to keep him alive. That I was his mom and was supposed to protect him and keep him safe. I feel like I failed him because he was perfect. It's just so sad. I'm just still so sad.