Getting my pills down

So my gag reflex is becoming a serious issue. Honestly, even typing this up is making my mouth all watery and gagg-y feeling... yuck. That being said, taking all my pills, there are 10 of them, is becoming an issue. Over the weekend, things got so bad that I ended up throwing up twice after taking them. This is concerning to my PgAL brain because I know the baby needs increased L-MTHF (natural folic acid) and the other vitamins that come in my metanx prescription, as well as other stuff I'm on.

After wallowing over this, a friend suggested I crush the pills up and make a smoothie. Ah-ha! Fortunately, all but one of my pills is in a capsule so I just had to break them for the powder to come out. I one up'd her and went a step further and made myself a chocolate ice cream and peanut butter milkshake. All is now well with the world and baby is getting the scripts we need. :)

8w5d

Baby is doing well. We had another u/s yesterday and the RE said things look perfect. HB was 180. He also said my bloodwork testing for elevated nk cells came back normal. GREAT NEWS. He seems to think that I should be good to go to be released to the new doctor after my u/s next Thursday. I actually feel a little excitement! :)

Our last miscarriage ended at ten weeks, but the baby stopped growing at 8w5d so yesterday's u/s was a major milestone for us. I feel like if we make it through next week with a healthy HB, we will have really made it as our first loss occurred at 11 weeks with the baby only growing to 9w4d. I feel like I will really start to enjoy this process once we make it past this final hurdle. I hope my brain will also start to think WHEN not IF we take this baby home.

Here's our little gummy bear at 8w5d.

How did it become me?

You never think bad things are going to happen to you. I never thought I would be the girl who would lose multiple pregnancies. It just didnt seem fathomable. It was completely off my radar.

I have to try my best not to laugh or say something utterly snarky when I hear someone make a comment like, "well I'm young and healthy, and don't have a history of miscarriage in my family....so I'm sure things will be fine." O_o Really? That's interesting, because up until February 27th, 2012, I thought I was "young, and healthy, and didn't have a history of loss" in my family either. There isn't a single woman who THINKS she will be the one to face recurrent pregnant loss. But now, almost eight months since my first loss, with two additional to speak of, and a little baby in my belly, I have come to terms with the fact that I am the 1 in 100.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, and as a friend so eloquently put it, "Pregnancy and Infant Loss is not just something that happens to 'somebody else'. It happens to your sister, your friend, your coworker, the girl who checks out your groceries... it happened to me. It affects many families every day."

Losing a child that you so desparately wanted is something that changes you completely. It has left marks on my heart that have redefined my entire identity. Loss is something you don't get over, or forget, even with the hope of another child. It stays with you and bleeds into your thoughts everyday.

It's difficult for me to appreciate that each of my babies would not exist if it hadn't been for the loss of the other. I wouldn't be pregnant with the baby I currently carry if I hadn't miscarried the others. This thought brings new meaning to the Rascal Flatt's lyrics, "God bless the broken road, that led me straight to you..." I hope with my whole heart that this baby is the end of our broken road, and that the losses we have suffered have served a greater purpose which was to lead us to this pregnancy, and to this baby we want to very much to love on and care for.

Phillips says hi!

Measuring in at 7w this morning, we're still going strong at two days ahead. I am 6w5d pregnant today and the nausea is in full swing. I live off of carbs, preggie pop drops, and syfo water. Phillips had a HB of 134 bpm. We'll go back for another u/s next Thurs. My RE says he plans to keep me for another 3-4 weeks while we wait for all of my bloodwork to come back and to monitor me through my loss milestones. I don't really care to return to my old OB so Dr. G said he would refer me to a peri that he works closely with that also accepts OB patients.

I can already feel my anxiety level start to creep up as we head into the next few weeks. I am so worried that today was the last time I'll see our LO with a HB at the u/s. I am actually really emotional about it. I suppose claiming to have faith means actually putting it into practice though. It seems the next few weeks will be the perfect time to practice when I preach.

Snug as a Bug!

I've been so tired lately. I feel like I have been stuck in the first trimester for way.too.long! I calculated that based on my pregnancies, I have been suffering from first trimester exhaustion and morning sickness for almost thirty weeks so far this year. BLAH. I really pray this one sticks and we get to take this baby home so I can say that all these symptoms were not in vain.

We had a minor scare last week when I woke up Thursday morning to some red bleeding that had gone through my underwear. I had no cramping or clots so it was a complete shock to see when I looked. Of course my brain automatically assumed the worst... how could I not? I called the RE who had me come in right away for an u/s to check on everything and I was grateful since we had already had an u/s three days prior. Well it turns out that Phillips was still snug as a bug in a rug and had made some great progress in the growth department. I measured 6w exactly which put me two days ahead, and we were even able to see a flickering little HB this time. Not that a HB means anything though... I'm still so sad that I am so jaded to think that HBs dont mean jack shiit in the miscarriage department.

The RE thinks that the crinone I am on irritated my cervix and that, coupled with the lovenox, caused for more bleeding than normal. He said that the bleeding wasnt anywhere near the baby and that my cervix was nice and closed. I spent the rest of the day off my feet just to help with it to stop though. I'm so thankful that everything was okay, but talk about a mindfcuk. I'm in for a really long 8 months at this rate. I'm going to be one paranoid momma if this child ever makes it outside!

Anyway, here's Phillips at our emergancy u/s last Thurs. measuring 6w! I go back this Thursday for another peek at our little guy. :)

Meet Phillips

Meet Phillips, our 5w3d yolk sac and fetal pole. We named this little guy Phillips because the ultrasound machine is the Phillips brand and the logo was in the upper, left corner of the screen, next to my name.  We had our second ultrasound with the RE on Monday to make sure that everything was "in the right place" as Dr. G so eloquently put it. I guess he was a tiny bit concerned after my last appointment last Thursday when we only barely saw what looked to be the very beginnings of a sac. I guess he was surprised that my betas came back at 2,263 and felt we should have seen a little more, but all seemed to work out well. I am measuring a day ahead based on ovulation so that makes me happy. I go back next Monday for another ultrasound and hopefully will see a little heartbeat.

I feel sad that I am not excited yet. I don't really get any peace of mind from these early ultrasounds or properly rising betas. With the exception of my second miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy, both of my late first trimester losses included good betas and strong little flickering heartbeats when we checked at 7 weeks both times. I guess I just expect everything to look "perfect" up until 10-11 weeks because it always has before; but I know I will be a nervous wreck and basketcase as we get closer to my loss milestones. I hope that if we get further with this little guy that I will become more excited and allow myself to get attached and maybe even dream a little of the possibilies of a take home baby.